My Ex-Wife Said Go To Hell, the first book in a new series, follows the misadventures of vampire assassin, Sirirus Sinister, as he tries (and fails!) to keep out of trouble. Women are Simon’s ultimate weakness and with Bloodsucker Number One, the Howler, and the Queen of the Merfolk all after him, he’ll need all the help he can get in this hellishly fun and sexy debut
Excerpt:
I awoke refreshed and ready to face the day, and I was even getting a little excited about the prospect of getting married and actually knowingly participating in the ceremony. Jova and I were ushered out of the castle proper to avoid the slightest possibility of running into our brides and casting some serious bad luck upon our nuptials. Jova looked a little better, so Oliver and I took him into the village to get him some air. Garlic loped along beside us, sniffing at each new scent. Suddenly, she took off running, and I followed her, breaking into a sprint to keep up and drawing the attention of a few merchants, who could not fathom my rather unnatural speed. I slowed to a more mortal pace, and spied Garlic sitting next to a tavern. As Garlic happily lapped from a bowl of beer, a young serving wench was bending over to pet him, giving me an unfettered view of her ample bosom.
“Is this your dog, good sir?” the girl asked, looking up at me and pushing her long blonde hair away from her face and patting a long comb of pink flowers back into place. She looked to be about eighteen or so, and I found myself staring into inviting brown eyes flecked with bits of green and gray. “What is her name?” she asked.
“Her name is Garlic,” I said, stooping down next to my new friend, and noticing the stark contrast of her lips, which were the color of crushed strawberries, against her pale, milky-white skin. I fought to keep from gazing down her open blouse at my eye level . . . and failed miserably. “I am Sirius. What is your name?”
The girl smiled coyly. “I am Heather,” she said, rising, thankfully, to her feet as Jova and Oliver came up. “I have never seen you three here before. Are you here for the wedding?”
Before Jova could wax poetic to this lovely creature about his true love, I interjected. “Yes, yes, we are,” I replied. “Would it be possible, Heather, to get a beer to quench our thirst and a bit of breakfast before the ceremony?”
“Absolutely,” she said. “Follow me.”
My eyes did follow her pert posterior as she stepped into the tavern. I sighed—my days of bedding tavern wenches had come to an abrupt end. Oliver had followed my eyes and accurately read my sigh. “Ah, poor Sirius,” he said. “I guess that will leave one wench in all of England that has not known your charms.”
“Right,” I said, feeling a bit annoyed. “Let us get a beer, some breakfast, and get Jova married.” Jova had not said much at all on our walk, and was very much lost in thought. “Jova,” I continued. “You are actually going to have to speak during the ceremony. You think you can manage that and a little conversation with your mates right now?”
Jova shook his head as if he was waking from a deep sleep. “I am okay,” he said. “Just thinking, that’s all. Tell you the truth, I am not feeling very hungry. I think I am just going to go down to St. Mary’s and wait for Angus’s tailor to bring me my waistcoat and breeches.”
Oliver nodded. “I think I will look after him,” he said. “We will meet you at the church when the bells toll four o’clock—that should give you ample time before the ceremony to get ready.” At that moment innocent little Heather came over and placed a frothy mug of beer and a warm plate of scouse in front of me. I would have preferred some fresh deer, but my growling stomach indicated this would do. She bent down and placed a bowl of scouse and some more beer on the floor for Garlic. Oliver had noted I had followed Heather’s every move like she was, well, prey. “And, Sirius,” he said, “your days of hunting are over. So make sure you keep your weapon sheathed until tonight.”
Q &A with Kirk Zurosky
- What is Immortal Divorce Court Volume One: My Ex-Wife Said Go to Hell all about?
Sirius Sinister is an immortal vampire assassin that together with the help of his vampire Maltese, Garlic, is trying to make his way in the world, but he gets into some disastrous relationships with a bevy of women that are also immortals that bring him under the jurisdiction of Immortal Divorce Court. And, when an immortal woman says she is never ever going to forget something, she really, really means it!
- Why does Sirius Sinister always make bad choices when the opposite sex is involved?
When Immortal Divorce Court begins, Sirius is the kind of man that lets his libido rule the day without considering the consequences of what bad things might happen afterwards. He represents those formative years in our lives where for whatever reason we just can’t learn from the mistakes of past relationships. And, though we don’t intend to – we make the same relationship mistakes going forward. Let’s face it picking someone who is wrong for you is almost a rite of passage! Hopefully we all learn from our mistakes, and eventually find the person that is right for us. But, Sirius manages to incur the wrath of witches, vampires, and werewolves, who in the Immortal Divorce Court series give us a whole different perspective on what happens when a relationship goes downhill!
3. What was the inspiration for creating the Immortal Divorce Court series?
I have loved being a lawyer with my own firm, Tippens & Zurosky, for over twenty years. I have had the amazing opportunity to help thousands of people with their cases. But, every once in a while I have come across a set of case facts that was so crazy and farfetched that I wondered if I was a character in someone’s alternate universe novel. Truth can be stranger than fiction sometimes!
So, Immortal Divorce Court was created from my experiences being a lawyer combined with me going through a divorce with court proceedings so bizarre it seemed like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone. It led to the idea of what outlandish things could happen if you were an immortal mythical being that was the best of the best that humanity had to offer, but you made habitually bad relationship decisions. And, not only were you dealing with being taken to Immortal Divorce Court by your slighted femme fatales, but you were also making dastardly enemies, and meeting heroic friends along the way all who were also mythical creatures of folklore.
4. How did you come up with a vampire Maltese as a character?
Our family is lucky to include our wanna be vampire Maltese, Daisy, as part of our Pack. Daisy is absolutely the inspiration for the vampire Maltese, Garlic. I know that they would get along fabulously, and hopefully would not gang up on us to extort copious amounts of cheese, or bacon. Daisy has a huge personality, and is one of my favorite people on the planet. She can communicate what she wants you to do for her, and if she is mad at you she will certainly howl her displeasure at your insolence. She also inspired the Got Garlic? ™ line of Immortal Divorce Court merchandise, and secretly is scheming to break into a dog treat factory while we all think she is “napping” in the laundry.
5. What does Immortal Divorce Court tell us about love and relationships?
The literal trials and varied tribulations of Sirius Sinister remind us that love and relationships can be complicated and that the fickle finger of Fate and the rules of the universe are not to be trifled with. Sometimes finding that perfect person for you is a matter of timing, but not just in terms of actually being at the right place at the right time. I think you have to be open to the prospect of love. You have to be in the right place in your heart for any love to work especially your true love. Plenty of us are like Sirius Sinister in that we choose the wrong people, or do the wrong things. And, plenty of us get taught the lesson that no matter how hard we try - some things are just not meant to be. But, we all have to live like Sirius Sinister and have the hope that ultimately things will work out in favor of true love – even if it takes seven volumes…
6. Where can our readers connect with you and learn more about the Immortal Divorce Court series?
I would recommend readers check out my website www.kirkzurosky.com where they can learn about the upcoming books in the series. Immortal Divorce Court Volume Two: A Sirius Education is scheduled to come out in the Fall. Daisy has also been working really hard on her Dog Blog, where you can learn about the books and the self-proclaimed world famous Maltese from her canine perspective. You can also check out the Sirius Sinister™ Gear store. We have come up with some really cool Immortal Divorce Court merchandise. Daisy also has inspired Got Garlic?™ vampire Maltese themed merchandise. I love interacting on social media, and I post frequently on my Facebook fan page – Immortal Divorce Court by Kirk Zurosky, and on Instagram @KirkZurosky.
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