T's Stuff: I Should Have Been a Rock Star by John Kaniecki

I
Should Have Been a Rock Star

by
John Kaniecki

Genre:
SciFi Fantasy

"What
happens when Don ‘Hypo’ Colandri mysteriously disappears from
Edward’s University on his way to a Statics exam? Why his three
roommates lie outright claiming he was kidnapped by a Satanic cult,
all to get money and score with chicks. Don, however, has been
mysteriously transported into outer space where he becomes a pawn of
one Nellie Watt against the Time Lords in a cosmic game being run by
God. Unfortunately for Myron, Slick and Psycho, (Don’s three former
roommates) they have dived into a realm where fools tread. Hilda
Thethia, a practicing Satanist, learns of the ruse and quickly begins
to blackmail the trio. Sadly Myron, Slick and Psycho realize that the
followers of Satan are more wide spread than they could have ever
imagined and none are too happy at having the name of their Dark Lord
besmirched. Meanwhile poor Don is learning the ropes of outer space
in a very hard way. Every mystery he solves only brings more
questions. Will Nellie Watt succeed in her contest against the Time
Lords and go to the Twinkling of Twilights to press the Reset Button?
Will Myron, Slick and Psycho manage to escape from the miserable maze
they created? And most important of all, Why didn’t YOU become a
rock star?

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Excerpt:

Prologue

Meet Don Colandri

This is the story of Don Colandri: a fictional character in a fictional universe.

Everything else presented upon these sacred pages is potent gospel truth.

We now join our protagonist in the midst of one of his most distasteful pastimes.

He is not studying. Oh no, studying is far from the excruciating, intense ordeal

happening. Rather, the young college student is cramming. Observe the multiple

beads of sweat gathering on Don’s head, in particular on the glossy area of his

premature receding hairline, where the light shines and shimmers. It is a physical

feature that makes Don Colandri look older than he actually is, not old in a

positive sense, like he could enter into a liquor store and not be asked to present

an ID, but rather in a merciless pathetic way.

If Don Colandri could be mistaken for a tennis star, it would without a doubt

be John McEnroe. Of course, Don couldn’t play tennis like the aforementioned

world champion. But you wouldn’t know that if you sat and listened to Mr.

Colandri. In fact, with frantic persuasion Don would lay down pertinent

statements to make his case. As is his habit, his truths are laced with lies. “I can

serve the ball over one hundred miles an hour,” he says. “My two-hand

backhand is better than most people’s forehand,” he claims. “I would have

played in the Olympics, but I pulled a hamstring,” he laments. In fact, such

falsifications are canted with “hyper” enthusiasm. This leads directly to Don

Colandri’s nickname. He is known by friend and foe alike as Hypo. By the way,

his two-hand backhand is better than most people’s forehands, as everybody who

has never played tennis is part of that which constitutes “most people.”

Words fail me to describe Don Colandri with only one primary adjective.

Some men, for example, are known as handsome. They have perfectly straight

teeth, creating a glistening white smile, with luscious blue eyes that capture all

the wonders of creation and with hair in immaculate style as if painstakingly put

in order strand by strand, all summed up in one label as handsome.

Hypo, however, is not handsome. Rather, he is far from it. In perfect honesty,

and truthful I must be, the young man is quite repugnant. His mouth boasts

crooked teeth, stained yellow from smoking tobacco cigarettes. He has beady

eyes reminiscent of a rat, always shifting left and right as if navigating some

grand maze in an endless quest for a massive hunk of provolone cheese. The

character’s receding hair has been previously mentioned. In addition, these

disloyal tresses were curly and frequently greasy. Yet I am reluctant to simply

describe Don Colandri as repugnant. For it would miss inner values, some of

which contain virtue. It is not that Don Colandri is remotely righteous. Rather,

true to life, he is gray. Not ambiguous in that shade, for as the story proceeds,

specific personality traits shall clearly come forth. Don Colandri, simply put, is

Don Colandri. So let’s just call him Hypo, shall we?

Now, Don Colandri is a sophomore attending Edward’s University. As attested

by his statics book, Don is an engineering student. At this exact instant, he is

trying to deduce the effect of moments on cantilever beams. One day, Hypo

dreams of being a successful engineer. He has no pretense that he is working at

this for the betterment of mankind. Rather, his mind is focused on green. Not the

green of nature either, but rather the green of money. But before he can count his

riches, he must attain them. This means paying some dues and attaining his

college degree. So the pressing matter at hand is the complicated sketch of a

cantilever beam with an abundance of arrows and measurements. Why, if Don

didn’t know better, he might think the picture was some insidious drawing

designed just to cause havoc and confusion. Just for fun, Don turns his textbook

all different angles. He looks at the drawing sideways. He looks at the drawing

upside down. It could be that some lost pirate hid a treasure map inside the

textbook in the open disguise of a force diagram. But after a noble effort, Don

decides that this isn’t the case. He lets out a sigh of desperation similar to a

tremor before an earthquake.

Now, Don is not alone in his obscenely messy apartment room. Clothes of

every variety are tossed all about. So badly sloppy is the abode that if a thief

broke in and ransacked the room, nobody would notice. Sadly, I do not

exaggerate. From these clothes emits an awful stench. The dreaded stale smell of

sweat serves as the base odor. This is masked over by cigarette smoke and

marijuana smoke. Yes, Hypo and company do indulge from time to time in

smoking some weed. It is one of their favorite pastimes, in fact. But I want to

point out the most embarrassing aspect of the clothes strewn around the

apartment. This is, of course, the dirty underwear. Some of these white garments

are soiled both brown and yellow. Ah yes, dear reader, it is a tragedy of epidemic

proportions. But Don and his roommates don’t live like this perpetually. They

are only slobs by convenience. They are quick to tidy up if some festive event is

to occur, especially if there is any possibility of them getting laid.

Who are Don’s roommates, you ask, the other individuals who share the

domain known as room eight? Well come on down, Peter Bellos. You’re the first

contestant to be introduced to the fine reader. While not the hero of the story,

Peter Bellos does play a major part in this tale. In fact, whether Don Colandri is

a hero or not is up to conjecture. Truly he is a victim of circumstance. But not

Peter Bellos. No, he, along with Hypo’s two other friends, proves to be

opportunistic. Take a good look at Petie. His darker-colored skin must be noticed

first in light of this racist society in which we live. Observe his piercing brown

eyes, two wonders that Don Juan himself would envy accompanied by the plump

belly hanging over his belt that he laughs away as “love handles.” Most

prominent of all is his long black hair, hair that is greased back with globs of gel.

This style has earned Mister Peter Bellos his nickname: Slick. For you see, as

you may have noticed, every one of the occupants of room eight has a nickname.

At this present moment, Peter Bellos is lying down on the couch amongst the

dirty laundry, his head buried in a textbook of some sorts. Slick, too, desires to

be rich. It is a common malady of people in this story, always wanting something

that they don’t have. But that seems most logical, does it not, dear reader? Why

would you want what you already have? That would be redundant.

Unfortunately, the whole of mankind is swept away with coveting this

illusionary thing called money. After all, it is either green pieces of paper or

digits upon a computer. But there shall be time enough for me, the author, to

subtly introduce my subversive feelings. So I will lay off and say that Slick, too,

was a greedy bastard and, like Don Colandri, an engineering student.

Now, Myron Thompson, the next roommate of room eight, is a man of

contradictions. He has a deep-seated hatred of his parents for naming him

Myron. Any time that Myron hears his name called out, he cringes in

humiliation. Of course, his peers don’t say “Myron” in some normal fashion.

Rather it is more like “Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyron,” kind of in a singing way to

express a notion of mockery. Myron is a bit of an athlete. As he found out early,

he has to be tough to live up to the name he wears. Now, Myron Thompson

really isn’t motivated to become an engineer to get rich. Rather, his existence is

void of life and purpose. This is evidenced by the black celebrations of room

eight. A black celebration is an event during which the attendees get intoxicated

without any real reason to do so. It’s one thing to get plastered because it’s New

Year’s Eve. There is some formal reason or a semblance of an excuse. It’s

another thing to do so simply because it’s Thursday. Myron Thompson is a bit

taller than his roommates and had curly, sandy blond hair. His nickname is

“M.T.” Those are, indeed, the initials of his first and last name. However, “M.T.”

sounds very much like “empty.” So whenever Myron’s nickname is spoken,

people point to his skull where his brain should be if it wasn’t “empty.”

Occupants of room eight laugh at things that really aren’t that funny. It is just the

way that they are.

Now I must diverge and ask the philosophical question: Do we save the best

for last? Well, at rock and roll shows, you have opening acts and then out comes

the best act. They call these “headliners.” This brings me to the title of this story:

“I Should Have Been a Rock Star!” In American culture, or even British culture,

it is probably something that every intelligent human being has said at one time

or another, when you wake up from the drudgery of the job staring into the

dismal black abyss that is your reality, gasping for air as if you were submerged

in the sea of life being pushed down by some invisible hand directing your

worth. But there is a very crucial thing we shouldn’t overlook, and that is to

never lip-sync. It is an unforgivable sin, the blasphemy of the Rock and Roll

Spirit. Transgress just once, and the ghost of Elvis Presley will haunt you

forever, singing “Love Me Tender” day and night without repose.

Lastly, I have the great pleasure to introduce Saul Griffin, and yes, like Jesus

Christ, Saul Griffin is a Jew. What exactly a Jew is these days, I really can’t

define, so I’ll digress. I’ll save my preaching for Sunday morning at Chancellor

Avenue. Right now, I’m trying to tell a story. You could call it an allegory if you

like. But I’d rather look at it as a bunch of stuff that just happened to happen.

Just a whole lot of whoopla that excites you, and then before you know it, the

book is over, with your tongue hanging out panting for more, more, more. That

is Saul Griffin’s personality to the hilt. He is always looking for that bigger

score, trying to outdo not only everyone else but himself as well, and yes, Saul

Griffin has a nickname. They call him Psycho. As far as a physical description,

Saul Griffin would call himself tall, dark, and handsome. Unfortunately, reality

begs to differ with those adjectives. Psycho is short, pale, and ugly. He has

reddish hair with freckles out of control.

Well we had to mention Woody Guthrie somewhere, so we’ll just throw his

name in here at the end of the chapter. He is perhaps the one man in the music

business who is mightier than a rock star. We could have thrown Lead Belly’s

name in there too, but America in 2016 is still a systematically racist society,

from the Sunday morning cartoons, up to the man who pulls the strings of the

chief of the Federal Reserve. But Don Colandri doesn’t care to contemplate any

of these matters. In fact, he has blotted out even his three chums from his shortterm

memory. In turn, he can calculate the moment of a cantilever beam. The fly

on the wall observes Don Colandri’s forehead and sees one particular bead of

sweat. The light of the lamp has caught the drop of perspiration at just the right

angle, making it glisten as a diamond in the rough, and that is exactly what

Woody Guthrie is. How pretty, thinks the fly.

John
Kaniecki was born in Brooklyn, New York. Though having no memories of
life there, John is proud to be called a Native New Yorker. John was
raised in Pequanock Township, New Jersey. At age twenty John was
baptized and became a member of the Church of Christ. Presently John
resides in Montclair, NJ and lives with his wife of over twelve years
Sylvia. The happy couple attend the Church of Christ at Chancellor
Avenue in Newark, NJ. John is very active in outreach and teaching as
part of the leadership of the congregation.

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